The Gospel-Centered Mom

“This isn’t Working” – 4 Ways to Reevaluate Your Discipline Strategy

There is a special sigh reserved for moms who just disciplined the toddler for hitting, and 17 seconds later he does it again. You know the sigh. It’s usually accompanied by a groan, eyes rolling up to the ceiling, and maybe even some teeth grinding.

And it’s when our hearts cry, “This isn’t working!” We must be doing something wrong. It must be our discipline strategy. It must be time for a change.

Or is it?

Before you go back to the drawing board and completely reinvent your discipline strategy (and read 3,471 blogs on the topic), ask yourself these four questions. Maybe you don’t need a new sticker chart or new creative consequences. Maybe all you need is a new perspective.

How to evaluate your discipline strategy (before starting from scratch)

What’s my motive?

It’s embarrassing when your kid starts flopping like a fish on the floor of Walmart when you take the toy away – but embarrassment should not be our motivation for discipline. Neither should anger, frustration, or pressure from others. These motives blur our discernment. We’re more likely to discipline harshly. Our motive should be love. We can test our motives by asking, “Will this consequence help my child, or is it just an outlet for my frustration?” Another test is to take a moment to calm down before you discipline. You might find that this significantly changes your discipline strategy. But even if it doesn’t, it will redirect your motives and impact your attitude.

Does this address the heart or (just) actions?

Are you having regular talks with your kids about why we obey? If not, discipline will stop at actions. If your child rips a toy out of another child’s hands and you demand that he gives it back, justice might be served – but was his heart shepherded? Ask your child, “What would be the kind thing to do? How would you like to be treated?” Addressing the heart doesn’t mean skipping the consequences; it means explaining them. You might not explain every consequence every time for every situation (sometimes the consequence has to happen quickly for the child to connect it to the disobedience) – but work discipline into daily conversation to give your kids a framework for the consequences.

Am I frustrating my child?

Do your expectations match your child’s developmental level? Are you disciplining for childishness? If you spank a toddler for dropping a sippy cup, you will frustrate that child. Our discipline should empower our kids to change as they are able to, through love and encouragement. On the other hand, a lack of discipline is also frustrating to a child. Where are the boundaries? Where is the concern and care? Children will test boundaries to know if they are cared for. If they don’t sense the boundaries, they will not feel loved and secure.

Am I mimicking my heavenly Father?

How does God discipline us? Well, for starters, he does discipline us. If your discipline strategy is weak or non-existent, you are not mimicking the love of our heavenly Father. But God’s discipline is always for our good. He “disciplines the one he loves.” (Hebrews 12:6) The result of God’s discipline is that it drives us closer to him. It might be painful, but in the end it “yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” (Hebrews 12:11) Does your discipline point your kids to God? Does it inspire them to stand in awe of his love and holiness?

If you discipline your kids intentionally and lovingly (though imperfectly), you can leave the results in God’s hands. Visible results are not the measure of your success. Heart change happens on the inside, one tiny step at a time. Don’t give up. Discipline again and again and again. You aren’t banging your head against a wall – you’re planting seeds of eternal life.

Books by Sara Wallace:

“For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs”
“I have read SO many parenting books- and it seems they fall into one of two camps: practical advice or a theological perspective, and so often I felt like they didn’t apply to the little years. This book is my new favorite on the subject of discipline because Sara beautifully addresses both, sharing stories and examples from her own life as a mother of 5 boys.” – Ashley.

“The Gospel-Centered Mom is a huge gulp of refreshing air for moms who are in the thick of raising kids. It takes your eyes off of your performance and places them on the one who performed perfectly for us.” – Jessica Thompson, co-author of Give Them Grace.

“Hands down the best parenting book I’ve read since becoming a mom.” – Amy, mother of two
Available on Amazon and Etsy!

Tired Mom of Littles: The Church Needs You

One Sunday shortly after having my first baby, my husband and I slid into our seats in the back of the church. I had my newborn bundled up in his car seat beside me. I was pretty proud of us for making it there. But I wondered why it was so quiet. Everyone was seated and the pastor was in mid-sentence. A lady next to me beamed at me and said quietly, “It’s so good that you came.” I smiled back, wondering why she was so impressed. And then I heard the pastor say, “Let’s close in prayer.”

We had actually arrived an hour late. We were so sleep-deprived we forgot what time the service started. After all that effort we just turned around and went back home. But at least the lady next to us thought we tried our best, bless our hearts.

I can laugh about it now, but at the time I thought, “What are we doing? Going to church is so difficult right now. Is it worth it?”

Who We Are

Before we can talk about going to church we have to understand what it means to be the church. If you are a Christian, you are part of the people of God. It is part of your new identity in Christ. We are saved individually, but we are saved to a body. Look at the beautiful group language Peter uses in 1 Peter 2:9: “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession.” This is a foreign concept to our individualistic culture. But there is so much strength and comfort in accepting our identity as the people of God, rather than simply a person of God. God chose the local church as our means of living out this identity.

Megan Hill, in the book Identity Theft , reminds us that our roles as mothers “do not eclipse our identity in the eternal family of God. As Christian women, we are the children of God (Gal. 4:6), mothers and sisters to the fellow-members of our local church (1 Tim. 5:2), and part of Christ’s beloved bride (Rev. 21:9). If ever you say to yourself, I’m the mom of three young kids! I’ll get back to church in a few years, you’ve had your identity stolen.”

Motherhood is not a season to take a break from church. It is a season to dive in deeper and draw strength from our identity as the bride of Christ. This refreshes our perspective when we’re tempted to think, “I’m too tired to get anything out of the sermon. It will throw off my baby’s nap. My kids are too distracting. There’s too much to catch up on at home.” All this might be true, but we’re there for a bigger purpose.

What We Give and What We Get

I remember one pastor saying, “When you miss church, the church misses you.” At the time I laughed and thought, “They’re not missing much. I’m a mess right now.” But the church needs our messes. Our messes put God’s grace and strength on display.

When going to church is difficult, bring the difficult with you. Pastor Scott Slayton of Chelsea Village Baptist Church, Alabama, says, “Since the church is a family, when you don’t gather with them there is an empty seat at the table. The church is a temple and you are a brick in it, so the whole structure is weaker and more vulnerable when you are not there.”

It was difficult getting my first newborn ready for church and it is still difficult getting five little boys ready and out the door. I have to tell them to look at the pastor and stop licking the hymnals. But when I see my sisters in Christ sitting around me, bouncing babies on their knees and pointing out words in their Bibles for their kids to follow along, my heart is strengthened. I look around and think, “This is real life. We’re all in this together.”

Moms, this isn’t an article to kick you when you’re down and tell you to get your act together. It’s a comforting reminder that you are part of something much bigger than your current circumstances. You’re not alone. You are part of a body, a temple, a family. You need the church and the church needs you.

So this Saturday night, set out your kids’ church clothes and put some snacks in the diaper bag. Put the Bibles by the front door. Set the alarm and make the best church-plan you can. And if all your plans fall apart, like mine often do, there’s still a seat for you at the table. There’s a place card for “Tired, late moms of littles,” and the body of Christ is blessed when that spot is filled.

Books by Sara Wallace:

“For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs”
“I have read SO many parenting books- and it seems they fall into one of two camps: practical advice or a theological perspective, and so often I felt like they didn’t apply to the little years. This book is my new favorite on the subject of discipline because Sara beautifully addresses both: the heart behind the discipline and the practical tips and how to, sharing stories and examples from her own life as a mother of 5 boys.” – Ashley.

“The Gospel-Centered Mom”
“An excellent book for moms who want to be challenged to be more like Christ in their parenting. Helpful, bright, and it comes with a pen too! I highly recommend this!” – Brandi
Grab your copy for your next personal devotional study, or do it with a group of friends!

“Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins” – A Response

A little over a week ago an article from The Transformed Wife went viral. It was called, “Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos.” It created quite a stir. I’ve read many of the comments (too many), and listened in on the debates. I’m diving in now to rewrite each point in the article. Ready?

Debt: Christians prefer spouses whose debt has been paid by Christ. “Having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” (Colossians 2:14)
Virginity: Christians prefer spouses whose purity has been purchased by the blood of Christ. “That He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:27)
Tattoos: Christians prefer spouses with the gospel tattooed on their hearts. “This one will say, ‘I am the Lord’s; and that one will call on the name of Jacob; And another will write on his hand, ‘Belonging to the Lord.’” (Isaiah 44:5)

Christians prefer Christians. Let the gospel define your expectations. And your worth.

Want more practical, gospel-centered encouragement? Check out these books by Sara Wallace:

“For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs”
“I have read SO many parenting books- and it seems they fall into one of two camps: practical advice or a theological perspective, and so often I felt like they didn’t apply to the little years. This book is my new favorite on the subject of discipline because Sara beautifully addresses both: the heart behind the discipline and the practical tips and how to, sharing stories and examples from her own life as a mother of 5 boys.” – Ashley.

Closing the Door to the “What-ifs”

When you become a mom nobody warns you about a brand new door that opens up in your brain. It’s not a cute, Chip and Joanna Gaines farmhouse door. It’s a dark, foreboding door you never walk through intentionally, but it pulls you in anyway. It’s the door of the “What-ifs.”

What if I’m not cut out for this? What if I’m not doing this right? What if they get hurt? What if their discipline, diets, car seats, schedules, and schooling are all wrong?

On Thursday night one of my what-ifs came true. My baby stopped breathing. I recognized the seizure immediately and called 911. My 20-month-old son turned blue and time stood still. “Hurry. Hurry,” I heard myself saying into the phone.

I have walked this path before. Another one of my sons also had a febrile seizure at the same age. When babies’ fevers spike too quickly their little bodies can’t handle it. Febrile seizures are terrifying, but in the end they are harmless. They indicate a serious infection, but the seizures themselves leave no lasting damage.

As my baby’s breathing returned to normal and he lay limp on the couch, the paramedics walked me through what was next. We had to get him to the doctor right away to see what was giving him such a high fever. Thirty minutes later we were sitting across from the doctor getting the results: strep throat. The infection set in so quickly he didn’t have any symptoms before the seizure hit. He got his medication, his fever calmed down, and we were soon back in our own home.

Once all five kids were tucked into bed and the house was quiet I finally took my first breath of the evening. “This is it,” I thought. “Now I can fall apart.” There had been no time to process what was happening during the event. Now I was left alone with my own thoughts. And that dreaded door.

The first time we experienced a febrile seizure, I walked through the door of the what-ifs for days. What if he hadn’t started breathing again? What if it had been more serious? What if…what if… It was hard to be thankful for my healthy baby when I was suddenly struck with the fragility of life. Things could change so quickly. How could I enjoy my baby knowing it could all end at any second? New worries took the place of what should have been joyful relief.

But this second febrile seizure was different for me. When it was all over I saw two clear choices in front of me: Have a meltdown and freak out about all the things that could have gone wrong, or praise God for keeping my baby safe tonight. I could live through all the terrible scenarios that didn’t happen, or I could thank God for another day to enjoy my baby.

In Melissa Kruger’s Bible study on Philippians, “In All Things,” she tells about a near-death experience she had. She walked away from a car accident that should have killed her. Her reaction to the event revolutionized my thinking on worry versus gratefulness.

“When we know we’ve been rescued we look at everything in a different light, don’t we?” she writes. “I came home and hugged my children and my husband a little tighter, ate my dinner with a deeper enjoyment, and experienced an overwhelming sense of gratitude. My thankfulness overflowed into joy, even in the most mundane tasks.”

Wait. I thought trials were supposed to sober us up. I thought being anxious was just being realistic. Melissa’s response shows the exact opposite. Close-calls remind us we are not in control – and that’s a good thing. They remind us that this world is not our home – and that’s a good thing. Close-calls don’t say, “Watch your back. God is ready to pull the rug out from under you at any moment.” Close-calls say, “God is in control. You will walk through what He ordains for you to walk through – nothing more, nothing less. He is on the throne and He is good.”

In her article, “A Surrender that is Safe,” my sister Rachel Welcher says we worry because we don’t want to be surprised by pain. We buy the lie that, “I need to worry in order to prepare myself for the future.”

When I laid my baby down after the events of Thursday night my heart was filled with joy. I looked at the door of the what-ifs and I closed it. Instead I felt a tremendous sense of gratitude – and freedom to enjoy my son. I have no idea how long I will get to enjoy each one of my kids. But I do know that the what-ifs don’t prepare me for trials in the future. They only rob me of joy in the present.

Are the what-ifs robbing you of joy in motherhood today? You are not alone. The only way to close the door to the what-ifs is to walk through the door of gratitude instead. Trade each what-if for a praise. Replace the unknowns with the knowns. Thank God for something you know to be true. When what-ifs cloud my thinking, here are a few of my favorite truths to cling to:

Everything could change in a moment, but I know that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)
I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but “I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.” (Job 19:25)
I cannot control the future, but I know that “in his hand are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are his also.” (Psalm 95:4)
I don’t know how I will bear future trials, but I know that “He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold.” (Job 23:10)

Want more practical, gospel-centered encouragement for the season of young motherhood? Check out these books by Sara Wallace:

“For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs”
“I have read SO many parenting books- and it seems they fall into one of two camps: practical advice or a theological perspective, and so often I felt like they didn’t apply to the little years. This book is my new favorite on the subject of discipline because Sara beautifully addresses both: the heart behind the discipline and the practical tips and how to, sharing stories and examples from her own life as a mother of 5 boys.” – Ashley.

“In All Things” – A Bible Study You Don’t Want to Miss

When it comes to recommendations I’m a broken record. I tend to stick with just a few tried and true resources that I know will lead my heart closer to Christ. Melissa Kruger is one of those resources. You’ve seen me share her articles and teaching videos before, and now I am so excited to share her latest book with you. Take a look at what makes “In All Things” a must-read this year.

Q&A with Melissa B. Kruger, Author of

In All Things: A Nine-Week Devotional Bible Study on Unshakeable Joy

(June 5, 2018; Multnomah)

Tell us about your new book, In All Things: A Nine-Week Devotional Bible Study on Unshakeable Joy.

I’m truly excited to get to share about In All Things. My hope is that this book will help women study God’s Word on a daily basis, as well as discover truths about joy and contentment that will encourage them and sustain them throughout various seasons of life. To help allow the Bible to be as accessible as possible, we’ve included all the Scripture passages, commentary, and questions together so that busy women can take this book wherever they go and have all they need for their study right there with them.

Why is the topic of joy important to you?

On the eve of his death, Jesus spoke these words to his disciples, “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11). Jesus, on the night before he was to suffer the agony of the cross, was concerned about his disciples’ joy. Isn’t that amazing? Our joy—and our fullness of joy—matters to Jesus! Therefore, it’s a topic I want to talk about with others.

If you could describe a visual image of contentment, what would it look like?

I like to describe a woman standing before the ocean, and she’s desperately thirsty. She mistakenly believes that if she could just take a drink, her thirst would be satisfied. However, we all know that if she drinks ocean water, she will only find herself thirstier still. It’s not that the ocean is a bad thing—it’s actually a good thing. But it was never intended to satisfy our thirst. In contrast, if this woman stood before a spring of water and drank, her thirst would be fully satisfied. To me, that’s an image of contentment: a deep thirst being fully satisfied. Our souls may search for satisfaction in many good things, but we will never find true joy until we find Jesus.

What made Paul’s joy so different from the happiness we tend to seek? Why are we so tempted to find our significance outside of Jesus?

Paul’s joy was built on the foundation of his salvation. No matter what suffering he might endure, nothing could threaten his status as a child of God. Paul rejoiced because he knew that all of God’s promises are fulfilled in Christ and since he had Christ, he was sure to receive all the promises of God. When we forget the amazing news of our salvation and the goodness of our God, we’re tempted to look for joy in other people and places. While many of these things are good, they are temporary. We have an eternal thirst, so we need an eternal source from which to find joy.

How do you believe Paul’s shift from persecutor to preacher to persecuted influenced his ministry?

We often think of Paul as the “perfect Christian”—the one who never did anything wrong. However, Paul greatly persecuted the Church before his “road to Damascus” conversion story . . . he gave approval to the death of Stephen and arrested men and women because of their faith. Paul’s joy wasn’t because he was perfect, but because he had the perfect Rescuer. Paul’s understanding of his own need of salvation fueled his joy because he realized the greatness of the gift he’d received. His passion for sharing that gift with others flowed from love and thanksgiving, and he was willing to suffer so that the message of the gospel could go to all the world.

What did you learn about God and about yourself while writing this study?

I learned in new ways the tender love of God for his people. He desires good things for his people, even though sometimes we go through very difficult things. God is always in the process of redeeming and restoring broken lives and broken people, shaping and fashioning us to look like Jesus. He loves us too much to give us the lesser lives we would often choose for ourselves.

Grab a group of friends and enjoy this study together! Available on Amazon and Christian Book Distributors.

For more spring/summer reading, check out:

“For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs” is a must-read for moms in the trenches. Theology meets practical application in this relatable, personal account of discipline in action. Available on Amazon, P&R Publishing, Westminster Bookstore, and Christian Book Distributors.

“The Gospel-Centered Mom” Bible study is a breath of fresh air for every mom in need of grace – both receiving it for herself, and passing it along to her kids. Written for busy moms by a busy mom, this study meets moms right where they’re at. This book is perfect for a group study or a personal devotional. Available on Amazon and Etsy.